How to Handle Grief

Grief is neither predictable nor over in a specified time; it continues long after the funeral. It is a natural, unsolicited reaction to death and must be expressed for necessary healing to begin. We often need to learn how to mourn and rely on the support of others who understand.

Our society is unprepared for death and the feelings of grief. Longer life expectancies mean we deal with death less frequently. With nursing homes and other care facilities, death has been institutionalized, removing us from most of the process. Also, more transient lifestyles remove us from family and tradition. Our fast-paced world reaffirms the denial and expects us to deal with the pain too quickly. It's imperative to make the time and place to grieve; otherwise the strong feelings of loss fester.

This section gives you background information about grief and bereavement, addresses general questions and misconceptions, and directs you to expert resources. We've also included information about helping children grieve and involving them in the funeral. You can click on any topic here to learn more.

Support Groups

Being with others who share a loss can often be the most helpful experience. Support groups can offer the sense that you're not alone in a confidential, safe and caring environment. Many people say they gain comfort from sharing their feelings with others who can relate.

You can usually locate local support groups through churches, hospitals and medical centers, community centers, hospice and funeral homes. National groups include:

• Crisis, Grief and Healing
  A place where men and women can discuss, chat or browse to understand the many different paths to heal strong emotions. Resources on the site include excerpts from author Tom Golden's books on healing from loss.
• Grief Net
  Grief Net is an Internet community of persons dealing with grief, death, and major loss. They have many e-mail support groups. Their integrated approach to online grief support provides help to people working through loss and grief issues of all kinds.
• Grief and Loss
  Grief support information and resources from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP).

Children and Funerals

Too often children are dismissed from funerals out of a sense of protection. Just as adults, they need to grieve. Including a child in funeral ceremonies is a personal decision often dependent on the age and maturity of the child. At Rose Hill we believe that children should be involved with the funeral process.

If a child will attend, explain the concept of the funeral and exactly what he or she should expect, including an open casket. Better yet, make them an active participant by offering a reading, lighting a candle, drawing a picture, writing a letter or placing a special item in the casket. If the child is young and the services long, arrange for someone to take the child home early. Consider letting your child be with other children during the funeral.

Leaving a child home from the funeral is also separation and can cause anxiety. Older children may be anxious about how to act or what to say. Tell them adults feel the same way and simply hugging someone, saying they're sorry or how much they loved the person is all that's necessary.

Children of any age, even infants and toddlers, sense the loss of a loved one. If children can love, they can mourn.

Allow them to grieve and guide their understanding of death with honest, but simple answers, which will ease the fear often increased when too much is left to little imaginations.

Children up to about the age of eight will sense a void, but not always understand their feelings. Share information about feelings and reinforce it's okay to feel that way. After eight, children will vividly remember the death of a loved one. Participation and attending the services help them express these strong emotions. Teenagers are especially vulnerable because of the intensity with which they experience grief. Encourage the support of loved ones as well as their friends, participation and more-adult discussions.

In normal circumstances, children have trouble understanding and reacting to their feelings. When someone they love dies, it becomes even more difficult. It's important they learn it's natural to have and express certain feelings.

Children may react differently to death; by crying, misbehaving, remaining silent, ignoring the situation, or ceasing to play or eat. These reactions may be motivated by feelings of fear, guilt and anger.

No matter what the feeling or reaction, talk to the child about what he or she is experiencing. Children who lose a parent or regular caregiver will feel especially vulnerable. Let them know they are not alone.

Share your feelings, even if they are mixed, about death with your children. It signals to them that it's normal to have multiple, even conflicting, feelings.

Most importantly, make sure grieving children are offered ongoing support. If you're too grief stricken, enlist the help of someone else - relative, friend, clergy person, counselor or teacher - who will help them deal with their feelings and sort through memories.  For more resource information visit Fore Thought Funeral Planning.

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